disordered_07

I wish I could change the past, you all have no fucking idea how badly I wish I could go back & fix all the things I've screwed up on. Starting with freshman year (that's when I began cutting) then there's been other things, a lot of it was inevitable and I guess some things were just fate & destined to happen, but for the most part they're choices I've made. I let others opinions and emotions influence those choices though and now it still haunts me today... I have flashbacks and images of the past pop in my head & it brings me to my knees. I pray and meditate to clear my mind and help me forget, but it's like once I fall asleep everything comes back to me. Not to mention I constantly have dreams of a little girl getting raped and murdered, that's happened to me since I was 3. I need to talk to Ron so I can calm down... I miss him, or maybe I can get drunk off my ass tonight so I can pass out or something. I just want to forget so badly... it seems like everytime I actually try and work my hardest to be happy I fall flat on my face again. I'm gonna go find some chocolate. Chocolate & depression go together like peas & carrots. :)
When I was in Lincoln Trail I became good friends w/ a psychologist there & he always snuck me chocolate candy bars over. lol He was so sweet. Well, there's NO chocolate in this whole freakin house! GRRRR! Not that I need any or nething. I've gained nearly 17 lbs. since Ron & I started going out. :(
Well, I'm gonna call Ron, I haven't talked 2 ne1 all day besides mom & Cuddles. Like I said my dad is also taking away my social life because somehow that's supposed to help me...